Broke is the new black
It’s just not in anymore to say you have a job. Let’s face it, money is OUT and broke is IN. So are social services. Back in the day, my post Acting School-NYU years, I used to actually hide my unemployment stubs. I’d stash them away in my sock drawer like a dirty little secret. Today I am designing a fashion line using SOCIAL WELFARE Logos to cash in the latest craze. BROKE IS BACK and I’m gonna be the first person to get my little greedy hands on the market share. I’m dumping stocks and buying peoples welfare stubs. Who’s with me?
Paris Hilton is wearing my latest creation. I call it “Food Stamp Couture”. Imagine, a full length evening gown, hand embroidered with US food stamps(-made of course by fire-swallowing midgets in India-they are so under represented these days).
For $9.99 or $6.50 in US Department of Agriculture Food Stamps, you too can own a slice of the good-old American Financial Crisis. If you order by Monday June 8th, you’ll also receive your limited edition Chia Pet Obama.
GERMAN AEROBICS-GOTTA TRY THEM!
Yes, the eighties are back. And that means it’s time to AEROBICIZE. And while I was not able to coordinate my two left feet to my Cher Aerobics video in the late eighties, I thought I might give aerobics in Germany another try. It’s a sure fire way to brush up on one’s imperative or COMMAND form. “Hoch, links, Noch einmal” ….. The feet, however, are still both lefties.
It was all so easy for the first 30minutes. We followed simple instructions and remained on a lateral plane. Suddenly our teacher threw in a few diagonal moves, which the entire class had been brainwashed to perform on command, and the whole experience went to hell. Who are these agile, quick stepping sheep anyway? Like a short fuse snapping out, my legs came to a halt and not even the teacher, a lovely girl who was sympathetic to the language barrier, could untangle me from the 60+ year old Berlin man whom I collided with while going Links, or maybe I should have been side-stepping Rechts.
To give a clearer visual image…imagine the glory of the 1980’s aerobic scene. The tights, the leggings…. the penchant for cleavage-window leotards! A virtual, multicolored, fluorescent-rainbow MIND EXPLOSION. Girls in Reeboks, Men in sweatbands. The tension, the excitement, the need to groove fast and furiously with your knees high in the air. Big white backgrounds with hairdo’s bouncing up and down, pink fuchsia lipstick saying..” C’mon you can do it, one more time”
Then erase ALL OF IT and place me in a stinky sweaty 1980’s GYM in Germany where the light outside is gray, gray, gray. Add some tacky club music and imagine losing your place in the line-up due to obvious language issues. And yet, I LOVED IT.
Weißwurst
BBQ SEASON BERLIN
Yes, that’s right. It is officially würstchen (HOT DOG) season again here in Berlin.
In a city that delivers 9 months of cold, cranky winter, ANY sign of spring is ripe for a BBQ in the Park. Since we are having officially the warmest and driest April of all times, Berliners are racing at lightning speeds to claim their patch of green and grill up a friendly plate of meat. Unlike NY, open public fires are tolerated….for the most part.
The essentials to Grilling can be found in this easy GERMAN HOT DOG guide:
Please note, American HD’s and German Wursts are entirely a different species, but can substituted when suffering from a lack of July Fourth BBQ’s in a Foreign Land.
THE WURST PACKET EVER:
One must choose properly when selecting Hot Dogs from the plethora of meat options at the grocery store. SHAPE, COLOR AND TEXTURES play a key role.
Question Number 1:
One must first decide how they would like their wurst packed. In what gelatinous, pickled, smoked or Au Natural form will you chomping in to?
I personally found this Wurst pack (pictured above) a special treat, though it offers only the same colored processed, bleached meat in a few of my favorite geometrical forms. Has anyone ever encountered any such goodness in the USA?
Leberwurst: (or liverwurst) it’s every American child’s WURST nightmare. Made from Veal and Veal liver this is the classic smooshy, smoky, meaty spread. Fortunately, I have recently discovered this delicious religion. I can’t live without it.
Bratwurst: The Bratwurst is the main species of Deutschland’s dogs! A combo of finely ground veal and porky parts, this beast is usually pre-cooked and comes in a variety of forms. The Thuringer bratwurst is my favorite: a very long dog in a short bun. The only downside is: the hard bread tears your gums to bloody shreds, but the juicy, grilled meat seals them up!
Then there is the CURRY WURST, which is bratwurst hacked up as if the customer were a one-year old baby gumming at their hot dog and then dribbled with a sweet-curry ketchup. I refuse to give this topic my full attention since I do not believe in sweet ketchup. Berlin can keep their sweet Currywurst, I prefer a REAL HOT DOG, thank you.
Weisswurst: A long white puppy made of veal, cream and eggs. This is a must in Bavaria and often can be a culinary disaster in Berlin. There is a reason why one never sees dudes with lederhosen up North. They may not be able to part from such a wonderful Wurst. They often serve Weisswursts with a special sweet mustard and a fat pretzel or with rye bread and loads of beer. You may recognize this treat from such little known German festivals like Oktoberfest.
BOCKWURST!
